WHAT THE CRAP?
by Farore the Oracle of Secrets
Summary: Chapter 2 is up! Link wakes up in the middle of Hyrule Field, only to get horrid flashbacks of Navi, and harsh comments from Malon. Exactly why did this happen? R&R!
1. The Greatness of it All!

What the Crap???  
  
A/N: Yes...keep in mind the work Greatness happens to have something to do with this whole entore fic...if you can guess what I'm talkin about then you get a cookie...well...not really...sorry. Anyways, I don't own Zelda..or this dollar bill...huh?  
  
Chapter 1: What the Crap???  
  
It was another beautiful day in Hyrule, the peahats flying around, waiting to attack anyone who got near them, the dogs chasing any deku scrubs they spotted, and that one ugly fish thing chasing our hero of this story throughout Hyrule field...uh...  
  
"Good Lord man! Get away from me Ruto!!!" Link shouted as he ran through Zora's domain.  
  
"But this is my home Link! How can I leave???" Ruto disgustingly replied as she started chasing after the little Hylian.  
  
"She's right!" Link said to himself, but that didn't stop him from running. "I gotta get out of here!" Link shouted as he ran for his dear life towards the waterfall of Zora's domain. He stopped and looked down the end of the fall, all he could see was the rapid waters. Yep...he was trapped.  
  
"Now Liink...?" The fish beast sang. "Don't deny your love for me...now tell me..." She said as she got closer to him. "...how do you feel about me?" Ruto asked.  
  
"You make me SICK!" Link said in the most sickest way ever.  
  
"HUH?" Ruto sadly said.  
  
"See ya later, SUCKA!" Link said as he took out his jetpack and flew into the air. "WHOO HOO! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! (pause) But sadly this is just a dream...(falls down) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Back to reality...  
  
It was another crappy day in Hyrule, the stalchildren popping out of the ground attacking any idiot human they saw during the night (coughs) Link! (coughs) , it was raining once again, it was raining so bad that Zora's domain flooded and a few Zora's were sent to live with one of the children in Kokiri forest...all except one little fish...  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???" Link shouted as he backed up against the wall of his uncles house, with no way to escape.  
  
"Link! I've come to visit you! Don't you see?" Ruto said as she smiled scaring Link with her yellow teeth.  
  
"Yes...I see that you haven't brushed your teeth in a while..." Link said as he covered his nose.  
  
"B-Brush my teeth? Why do you brush your teeth?" Ruto asked confusingly.  
  
"(eyes widen) HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!" Link cried making every person in Kakariko Village turn on their house lights. One person throwing a boot through Link's window and another person yelling "shut the hell up!!"  
  
Outside Hyrule Field...  
  
"Link, I can't wait to take you to my daddy! He'll be so proud!" Ruto smiled as she dragged the tied up Link across Hyrule field with her.  
  
"Ugh...(head hits rock) Do'h! (looks up to see Stalchildren coming out from the ground) Uh...Ruto...the Stal--"  
  
Link noticed that the Stalchildren fell down dying everytime Ruto passed them, he shuddered at the thought of of why a naked fish was dragging him across Hyrule Field at night.  
  
"Wow! Look at all these things falling at my feet! I must really be a cutie! (winks)" Ruto smiled as she walked by the dead stalchildren.  
  
"Uh...Ruto...I think they're dead..." Link mumbled.  
  
"Good one! You're humorous too!"  
  
"Heh heh...yeaah...(mumbles) asshole..." Link said to himself.  
  
"Well...we're here!" Ruto said as she stopped at the root of Zora's Domain."And...in you go!" Ruto threw Link in the water making the rapids take him through a a bumpy and octorock shooting ride.  
  
"AH! GOD NO!" Link shouted as an octorock spit out a rock at his eye making him unconcious.  
  
"WEEEEEE!!!!!" Ruto happily cheered. Ruto jumped out of the water and picked Link up by the feet.  
  
"Dude! Dude! I'm wearing a tunic! No pants, dude!" Link warned as he slapped Ruto's hand.  
  
"I'm not wearing anything!" Ruto said as she carried Link through her father's kingdom.  
  
"How fascinating..." Link mumbled.  
  
"Daddy! Look what I got!" Ruto said as she threw Link on his lap.  
  
King Zora, who was reading the Daily Swim, looked down at his lap to find the young boy staring at him with his swollen eyes. King Zora twitched and then looked at Ruto.  
  
"What is that?" He asked.  
  
"He's my--"  
  
"I'll take care of this." Link said as he interrupted Ruto. "I'm Link, the Hero of Time!" He said proudly.  
  
"Yeah, and I'm the king of Zora's domain..." King Zora said sarcasticlly.  
  
"But daddy, you ARE the King of Zora's domain."  
  
"Listen here little missy...you--" King Zora stopped and stared at Link with shock in his eyes.  
  
"Huh? What's the--AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Ruto shouted at the top of her lungs. They were both staring at Link, who was eating fishstick infront of their faces. Link then looked up at them and said...  
  
"What?" As a piece of fish came out of his mouth. "If you're aiming for this fish then, no! Get one for yourself, I haven't eaten since morning." Link shouted as he took another bite of his fish stick.  
  
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH--(faints)" Ruto screamed.  
  
"YOU FIEND!" King Zora shouted in anger towards Link.  
  
"What? Listen if you want some so badly then take some...by the way...do you have any tauter sauce?" Link asked. "These fishsticks just don't have enough flavor."  
  
"THAT'S IT!" King Zora shouted as he got up and took the bowl of fishsticks away from Link.  
  
"Hey! I didn't say you could have the whole thing!" Link shouted as little pieces of fish came out of his mouth. "Hey! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN???" Link asked as he was being picked up by King Zora.  
  
"GET OUT OF HERE!" King Zora shouted as he gave Link the boot...er...the webs.  
  
"UGH!" Link shouted as he went through the rapid waves once more. He saw the waterfall just ahead of him and screamed like the little girl he was. (Just kiddin about that girl thing...) "Wait a minute..this has happened before...i get my jetpack out and--uh oh...WHERE THE HECK IS MY JETPACK!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Link closed his eyes...two minutes later he opened them and found his self not in heaven...but in Hyrule Castle. Zelda was standing infront of him with an angry look on her face.  
  
"Just where the heck were you?? I've been trying to get your butt over here by using the Link signal!" Zelda shouted as she pointed out the window to see the shape of Link in the sky.  
  
"Oh...sorry...I've been busy..." Link said as he got up. "So...what do ya need?"  
  
"Well...(takes out a projector that shows a hologram of Ganondorf) something evil is afoot...and once again with your bronze--" Zelda started.  
  
"What about brains?" Link asked.  
  
"...you will save land of Hyrule from the evil!" Zelda said as she turned the projector off.  
  
"Oh..." Link sobbed.  
  
"Sorry...but no one except me has any brains...i do own the Triforce of Wisdom..." Zelda reminded Link.  
  
"Oh yes...you're a dork..." Link mumbled.  
  
"Now...Impa shall lead you out of the castle...and surely there will be no-- "  
  
"Wait...I'm no baby...I can get out of the castle myself!" Link said as he opened walked out of the castle.  
  
"Link! Wait! I don't think you should...ah, what the hell...you're not gonna listen to me anyway..." Zelda said as she sat down on her throne and began smoking.  
  
"I'm the Hero of Time...they have to listen to me..." Link said as he walked towards the gates of Hyrule Castle. He then saw some guards who were whispering to each other as they saw Link walk by. He then became nervous.  
  
"Look at him...short and ugly thing...looks like my mama's back hair..." One guard whispered.  
  
"Why doesn't he just go back to where he came from...what was the place called...Kokiri garbage?" One of the guards laughed.  
  
"Yeah...look at em big ears...no one has big ears like that..." One of the guards whispered again.  
  
Link then finally heard enough and walked towards the guards.  
  
"LISTEN YOU...do you really think I have big ears?" Link asked.  
  
"Get outta here ya freak!" The guard shouted. He kicked Link outside of Hyrule Castle and onto the field.  
  
Link then got up and brushed himself off.  
  
"Bunch of asses..." Link shouted as loud as he could. It was so loud that even some villagers from kakariko village could here him. Someone then threw a boot at Link and knocked him out unconcious.  
  
5 hours later...  
  
It was finally morning, Link opened his eyes and saw a red headed girl. He got up and brushed himself off.  
  
"Hey Malon! What up?" Link asked.  
  
"What are you doing here, Link?" Malon asked.  
  
"Well..."  
  
End of chapter  
  
A/N: The second chapter will be up soon! Even though this isn't all that funny... Please don't forget to review! 


	2. Booyah!

Chapter 2: Booyah!  
  
A/N: Yay! So it is funny? Nice! Then I'll be able to make this chapter even funnier! Eh...as for the greatness crap i was talking to you about in the last chapter...that won't happen until later on when Link actually finds Ganondorf. Kay? Now on with the fic!  
  
(Note: I luv Link so don't think that I'd ever bash him! I only do this for the funny.)  
  
We last saw our idiot hero...eh...well...somewhere around here (takes out map of Hyrule field and points to random spot) or somewhere around there...(points to McDonalds), well it was somewhere around this place...eh...I give up...  
  
"..and that's what happened, Malon." Link had just finshed his explanation of why he was laying down, unconcious on the fields of Hyrule to Malon.  
  
"Uh...Link...you didn't say anything...all you said was "Well...and that's what happened, Malon." You didn't explain anything to me." Malon said.  
  
"...What kind of fool do you take me for?" Link asked as he glared at Malon.  
  
"A big one. Now what are you doing here?" Malon asked once more.  
  
"Hm...well...Zelda--huh?" Link paused and looked around the field. "Uh...Malon...I think we should leave." Link said as he pushed her towards Lon Lon Ranch.  
  
"Why, Link?" Malon asked as she noticed that the sky was turning grey.  
  
"Well...I rather not talk about it." Link said as he started sweating with fear on his face.  
  
Flashback...  
  
Older Link and Zelda are in the Sacred Realm, with joyful looks on their faces.  
  
"Yeah! Gan-man is SEALED baby! WHOOO!!!" Link said as he jumped for joy around the sealed up Ganondorf.  
  
"Congratulations Link!" Zelda said as she took out a ciagrette and started smoking.  
  
"Oh! Can I have some???" Link asked Zelda.  
  
"Oh...uh...I don't have anymore..." Zelda said as she hid her pack of cigarettes behnd her back.  
  
"Don't lie! I see them right behind your back!" Link smiled.  
  
"... ... ... ...No....you....don't!" Zelda said slowly as she ran out of the Sacred Realm.  
  
"I--"  
  
"Look! (echoes) Listen! (echoes)"  
  
"Huh? N-Navi?" Link called.  
  
"Liiink?" Navi sang.  
  
"Navi? Where are you? Show yourself!" Link shouted.  
  
(Lights turn off)  
  
"Watch out!" Navi shouted.  
  
"Whoa! Where?" Link asked as he turned around.  
  
"Finally...after all these years of living with you...I can get my re--"  
  
"Uh...I've only been traveling with you for 5 mon--"  
  
"SILENCE!" Navi shouted.  
  
"Oh my--"  
  
"So you hate it when I say "Look"? You hate it when I say, "Listen"? You hate it when I say "Watch out!"? HUH?" Navi asked.  
  
" I didn't say it....you did." Link said. "Now Navi, show yourself! Damn! It's too dark in here!"  
  
"Good! Now...you will die!" Navi shouted as she ran after Link.  
  
"Oh! There you are, Navi." Link said as he caught her in his hat. "Heh, you're like a floating fire fly."  
  
"Curse my habit of lighting up in the dark....!" Navi pouted.  
  
"Now...what did you say about killing me?" Link asked as he threw Navi against a wall.  
  
"Ow! Attack! Attack!" Navi shouted as she called upon 100, 000 Keese.  
  
"Oh crap...oh wait..." Link took out his sword and started slashing all the Keese.  
  
"Do'h!" Navi said in discouragement.  
  
10 minutes later...  
  
"You were no match for me Navi!" Link said happily.  
  
"Darn you Link! And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for your stupidity!" Navi shouted as she was being thrown in jail.  
  
"Well maybe being stupid is what it takes to defeat you!" Link said.  
  
"When I get out of here! You'll be dead! Dead! You hear me??? DEAD!!!!!" Navi threatened as she was being injected with sleeping potion.  
  
"Thank you Link! Once again you saved the land of Hyrule!" The prison guard said.  
  
"Well it's all thanks to the Scooby Doo Detective Agency....oh! And your local library!" Link said as he winked.  
  
Scene ends with Link, the prison guard, and the Scooby Doo Detective Agency laughing.  
  
Back to Reality...  
  
"Why don't you want to talk about it?" Malon asked Link.  
  
"Can I ask you something?" Link asked.  
  
"Yes...what is it...?" Malon asked.  
  
"Have you heard of "Love at First Site"?" He asked as he looked into her eyes.  
  
"Oh my...Link...(blushes)....why...no...hee hee...why?" Malon asked as she smiled.  
  
"Pfft!Oh gosh! You have to read that book! It's friggin hilarious! This guy says "I feel like I'm in love...!" HILARIOUS! Man...if i got crap for everytime I heard that, I'd be swimmin in some deep sh--"  
  
"UH! Link...I think that's enough now..."  
  
"What's your problem?" Link asked.  
  
"NOTHING! Now...can I help you in anyway?" Malon asked.  
  
"No...but you can help me. I need Epona again, don't worry about playing Epona's song cuz she's just gonna remember me anyway."  
  
"Wait...I never lent you Epona, Link...(hasp) YOU STOLE H--"  
  
"So can I borrow her?"  
  
"Sure, why not."  
  
"(turns around) BOOYAH!" Link shouted.  
  
At Lon Lon Ranch...  
  
"Would you like some Lon Lon Milk, Link?" Malon asked as she handed Link a bottle of Lon Lon milk.  
  
"Eh...sure why not?" Link said as he gulped down the whole thing. "MMMMM!!!!" Link said as he threw the bottle on the ground.  
  
"You like it?"  
  
"No! Now give me Epona!" Link smiled.  
  
"Grr....okay...I'll call her." Malon said.  
  
"Hmm..."  
  
"Oooh! Oooh! Oooooooooh! O--" Malon sang.  
  
"Geez Louise, Malon! What're you tryin to do? Destroy my ears? No thanks, I think I'll use my Ocarina..." Link said as he took out his Ocarina.  
  
"You little b--"  
  
Link quickly interrupted Malon's dirty mouth and played Epona's song on his ocarina. Epona then came running over to Link but ran Malon over first.  
  
"Good job girl. Here's my end of the bargain." Link whisepered to Epona as he handed her a carrot. "Now...we are off!!!" Link said as he hopped on Epona's back. "Now...I think we're goin east.  
  
Epona, who was still stepping on Malon turned East.  
  
"OWWWW!!!!" Malon shouted.  
  
"Wait...no...no...I think it was west..."  
  
Epona turned west while still stepping on the farm girl.  
  
"OH LORD HAVE MERCY!!!" Malon cried.  
  
"Wait...uh...it was south?" Link thought.  
  
Before Epona could turn south Malon cried...  
  
"NORTH DAMNIT!!!!! GO NORTH!!!!" Malon cried.  
  
"Oh yeah! Thanks sir! To the North!" Link commanded.  
  
"Good rid--"  
  
Epona stepped on her once more and went North from Lon Lon Ranch.  
  
To be continued...  
  
A/N: It sucked...there, I said it for you. At least review okay? Next chapter will be up if I survive the flames. 


End file.
